Memories

And this is my brain, It's tortured analytical thoughts drive me insane.

2009-07-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

Oh dear little blog, I haven't written in you, in such a very long time. Well, my life is a bit different than it has been ever before. First of all, yes, Greg and I are still together, it's so amazing and so is he! We spend a lot more time together, my mother seems to be okay with it now. Second, yes, I am attending CSU Chico in the fall! And I'm super excited. My orientation is actually coming up this monday the 13th of July. I've actually made a few friends that I can talk to that are attending my school.

Aside from this, I have officially quit playing WoW, and sometimes I miss it but... It was time for it to end for me. Honestly, I've been having more fun spending it with friends and my family. I've been trying to spend as much time as I can with them before I leave to Chico. I'm thinking, that i'll be the statement in the family because everyone of my cousins have gone to a community school and never left home (moochers), but you know it's cool. Me, on the other hand, I need my escape and I really feel that I need my higher education to be LEGIT.

Anywho, life is good, life is great. Man, I hope it keeps coming this way. I'll update later. Goodnight<3

There are some days for everything.

2009-04-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend has had it's up's and down's, what a way to start spring break. Mmm, where to begin. Saturday was a long day, I went to the mall with my mom to pay off my DSi because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to the midnight release or not. I figured I need to replace my black ink cartridge or I would never get around to doing it. So we went to COSTCO and ended up food shopping, I got my ink and returned home. Dry and boring as it is, I worked on my research paper for my government and economics class. In the end, my mom and I ended up going to the midnight release. Surprisingly I saw so many people that I knew! It was very nice to talk and joke around, while waiting for the system to be released. In the end it was released and I was the 2nd person to receive it in blue. And ever since I got it, I spent all morning playing it with my Pokemon Platinum.

So today, I've played Pokemon Platinum and I got to the point where I'm almost done with the entire game. Point is, I tried to catch Girantina and I FAILED epically at it... 12 times. Eventually, I just defeated it and moved on with my life. Then, in the midst of battling Girantina, I get an IM. As it is, I am frustrated from not being able to capture this darn Pokemon! The IM was from a "Friend" of mine, well I have no clue if we are anymore, but he was just saying 'Hi' and whatnot. When he tells me "I miss you" and I'm like.. uhhh, I miss you too? Point is, he starts launching this whole conversation about how he's "upset" and "jealous" because I've got a boyfriend and blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I liked him when we first met two or three years ago, but I felt so played that I ended up giving up on him. And I told him that I wasn't interested in him and I told him nicely. But he still got really butt-hurt about it, and I think, he's stupid and that he's faking for attention. We would have never worked out, he's like 19/20 years old, I can't remember and he doesn't work, has no money, lives with mom and basically has no future what-so-ever. He has never been there for me, he never has truly made me happy and he's not THAT attractive, like many girls make it seem like. I told him, I was happy with my boyfriend, I was IN LOVE with my boyfriend and that nothing would ever change that because even people around us can see how happy we make each other. We waited to be with each other for a long time and nothing will ever change how we are. We're each others rocks and we support each other.

Basically, I think that my "friend" will never talk to me again and frankly, I could care less because he would have never good enough to be with me. I'm not saying that because I think I'm better than him, but I'm saying that because he has no future, he isn't dependable and my wallet is big enough to spend money on him, much less my time. I need a boy who will be there for me, support me, go to my swim meets or at least visit me often, spend time with me and just make me happy. My amazing boyfriend, does that. And I'm so proud to say that Greg Vincent, is my boyfriend and we're in love. So suck it world. <3

Without me you've got it all, so hold on.

2009-03-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

Life is always progressing isn't it? Frankly, I love it. Let the past stay in the past and keep the future full of opportunities. Mmm, I like how I start things so positive, hah I feel like my swim coach who tells me to keep things positive. Lately, life has been slow and dragged on.. Filled with school and practice. I haven't been able to spend time with Greg and it's really driving me crazy. I really miss him and I know he feels the same... But otherwise things are fairly nice. One of my best friends, Michael, recently got me a just because gift and I've been wanting this for like everrrr. He got me a lomography camera, the fish eye NO.2 White Edition, simply elegant and amazing. It comes with a built in fisheye lens and it shoots at a 170 degree angle. Rather nice to be honest.
Aside from that, I recently visited the school I might attend next fall. I fell in LOVE with it! It is so nice and has sooo many trees, the town is literally around the corner and everything is walking distance. They offer my major and it's just the perfect school for me, Sally thought the dorms were too small, but I don't care. I just need the space to leave and be myself.
Well, that's it from me.. A tad short but isn't it always? Goodnight everyone, good luck on many of those facing finals.

On the right track, I'm on to a winner.

2009-02-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

"love is like infinity: you can't have more or less infinity, and you can't compare two things to see if they're "equally infinite" infinity just is, and that's the way i think love is, too"

Oh gee, oh my. Remember that quote? Mmm, I do too. I was looking back at my old blog posts and I saw it, it caught my attention. I've realized that over the course of these past 8 months, I have changed in various ways and it's good. Because of these changes I've allowed myself to grow, to explore and enjoy life. Believe it or not, I'm going to college in a matter of less than 4 months, nerve wrecking? You bet. But I'm almost done. I think, I've decided that this coming fall, I will be attending California State University of Chico. And I am damn proud that I got into that school, after almost 4 years of working myself silly to go to college, my dream is finally coming true.
Aside from that, so much has changed around me as well. My parents are becoming more open minded and lenient towards my actions and who I go out with. I'm able to spend more time with the people I love and care about (i.e. Greg, Sally, Gladys etc). As for my relationship status, I'm still single but I'm not looking. I'm content with where I am in life, although I am seeing Greg. We go on dates and spend time together, haha, jeez can I not be such a sucker for him? I can't type a blog mentioning him without smiling.
Mmm, other than all that, life is grand. Classes and smooth and too easy for me, haha, a first for everything. I'm glad I've progressed so much, I've matured so much. Man, who needs prince charming, he's just a jerk. Everyone needs a nomnoms, they're like heaven <3

DING! 30 Blog post!

2008-12-11T20:42:00.000-08:00

Well, hello everyone :)
I haven't updated since the beginning of the last month, I'm sorry I can't keep a steady pace of blogging. But I've got a plentiful amount of excuses to why I haven't posted a blog. First of all, school and work have been driving me crazy. Remember how I absolutely LOVED my job*? Well, honestly, I'm only doing it for the money now. I can't stand my job anymore, it's so boring. The only thing I look forward to is having a visitor sometimes ;3 But seriously, this insurance crap is getting dull. As for school, I've finished applying to college and have gotten into one of the four colleges I applied to. But this college is my last choice to where I want to go to school after high school. But it's nice to know, my safety net is set.
Besides school and work... Well, you see, I got a WoW subscription*, thanks to Chris :) and Justin (asshole). Well, it's been consuming much of my time and it makes me happy :D hehe, Greg and I play it a lot. I play both Alliance and Horde*, but oh man can my Blood Elf Paladin PWN! :) It's epic, no joke.
Ah but other than that, everything was swell. My winterball just passed and I had a blast. I went with my friend Chris (yes, the same one mentioned above). We dance, laughed and played on his iPhone. It was nice, I enjoyed it.
OH MAN! Have I told you that, this past month I have gone to the movies more continuously that I EVER have in my life? Yep, best believe, I've gone to the movies I would say like 3 times! 3 TIMES! I usually go ONCE a year, if I'm lucky. Well it was nice, Greg went with me everytime :) mhmmm!
Well, those are my excuses, did they work for you? Good! :3 Well, that's been my life so far and I plan to keep it simple, no drama, no complications. Just simple and nice.
____________________________________________
*State Farm
*World of Warcraft
* "Teams" on WoW, alliance=good and horde=bad. Got it? Good.

And then the lamb fell inlove with the wolf

2008-11-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

Days are shorter and I can't get enough of it. I'm learning new things and I'm enjoying life, no being worried, upset or tied down. I have to say that I sleep so much better now. But.. I still feel a bit empty and I still have this urge to run, not physically but mentally. I keep picking at people's gray matter and I still hunger for more time.
I can't tell you how much I crave to have someone in my life, to hold and to care for. But I know I'm not ready for someone new.. Not yet because I still dwell a bit in the past. I'm not going to be ready until I can completely forget about him, and stop wondering what he's doing.. and whether he would speak to me if I ran into him someday. I wish this were easier.
But I can say this, I've grown so much closer with people I would never have imagined. And I feel like, things are headed for a good path. I haven't fought with my parents as often, I have changed as a person and I've spent sometimes with someone I really care about.
Aside from all this, I've found that I can't fall asleep as quickly as I would like. So I end up staying up and living a double life. Hah, try figuring that one out. Don't even bother asking, I won't tell you.
Mmm, also my birthday is coming up. I'll enclose a list at the end of my blog. Or now.. Goodnight!

Wish List:
1. A hug!
2. Balloons (Lots please!)
3. Flowers (any kind is cute)
4. Twilight and Eclipse Books by Stephenie Meyer
5. A card!
6. American express/forever 21/Macys Gift card
7. WoW (World of Warcraft) Subscriptions!
8. A lomography camera!
9. Hello Kitty! (Anything, especially jewelry!)
10. Mac Book (Hah, donations are taken!)
11. Twilight Poster or Calendar for 2009
12. Foreign Calendar
13. Paypal Money
14. Swedish Fish (Candy)!

I have some more to come.. I'll update later!

" I'll be there for you when the sky fall's down

2008-10-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'll be there for you when your smile lights the room
and your gloom is all gone "

Mmm, when life doesn't go your way you just want to give up and nothing in your life matter at that point. Hello that exact mood I've been in all day since 9:40am, and it's like a steady melancholy, it's horrible. Today I had an on the spot admissions, for the easiest Cal State University and I didn't get my acceptance letter on the spot... And I was strong in the beginning but when it came down to my last class and I found out a majority got their acceptance on the spot, I lost it. I cried and I felt like a failure, because now I have to wait until the end of this fall term to know if I qualify or not. If I don't get into CSUEB, how will I ever get into CSULB? CSUN? CSUC? CSUSD? It's been a long day... :(

Bare with me,
I might lose it.

You Be the Anchor that Keeps My Feet On the Ground,

2008-10-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'll Be the Wings that Keep Your Heart In the Clouds.

Mmm, things change and sometimes it sucks when they do and other times, it's refreshing to have something different. But sometimes you hold back, because you're scared to have the same things repeat, because you know they always tell you to learn from your mistakes.. But some mistakes are hard to learn from because those mistakes, you never saw coming. So, I would rather see it as trail and error, because it'll become inevitable even when you try. I'm starting to rabble on, but that's how I feel.

Blah, honestly I don't know what else to tell you people! Only so many read my blog, I could name a few but what's the point. All I really can say is that I'm scared, terrified and nervous. What's going to happen next?

I don't want to choose, I don't want to have someone choose for me. I just want it to happen.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I'm not.

Hypocrite.

Toothpaste Kisses

2008-10-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

Lately, everything feels like it's moving so rapidly and everything feels like it weighs more on my shoulders. It's my final year and I want to make it so memorable, I don't want to make anymore mistakes like I have all these other years. When I think back at things, this year 2008 was a pretty good year, regardless of the up's and the plummets down. I still have about two more months to go before the year ends and I want to make them good. From falling in love, being spit right out and then entering a milestone in my life this year has been a very interesting one. I want to run some risks and I want to also be very cautious, I want a fresh start in 2009 (let's see if I make it).

Polaroid

2008-09-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

So, It's been so long since I've updated my blog (thanks to Greg for pointing it out), so I decided to sit down and actually write something down. So I've started school, my senior year and I love it so far. My classes are balancing out with my work and regular life schedule, which I am totally digging. Not to mention, my braces are G-O-N-E! :D Like it's amazing having a smile that makes me happy. Plus, I've also got a new boyfriend, his name is Justin Matthew Fernandez. I've mentioned him before and we've been dating for two months now :3 things are really good.

I've also gotten so much closer with a few people, and I've stayed closed with others. It's been a rough road since the whole break up in July, but I'm over it, over him and might I add I am so not interested in skinny, red haired, freckled ass boys anymore :3 I've got better things in life. I've got my nomnoms(Greg), Best Frann Katy, Gladys, Debbie and Justin, plus so many other people I've grown closer to.

I'd like to also mention how much happier my life is, I'm doing everything I love to do right now. And my life right now is moving smoothly. I hope my senior year ends as good as it's started and I hope somethings turn out for the best. So, I'm going to go and do my homework, which I was assigned to tonight, while being distracted by nomnoms :3

KTHNXBAI x3

Atlas of the Human Heart

2008-08-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

A pear-shaped and four chambered hollow muscle, the heart's structure makes it efficient, never-ceasing pump. From the moment of development through the moment of death, it pumps. The heart, therefore, has to be strong.

Because she will "love" you more than I ever could, she would dares stand where I once stood.

It's been so long since I've updated, so much has gone on. So freaking much. I mean things are good and they are bad. I have gone out and I have had fun and all this Jazz, I've hung out with friends and stuff. But things have also been hurtful what with stupid James and with just life in general. No one knows how bad I just want to turn and run, I just really want to hit the road. Seriously, I'm looking forward to my trip to Los Angeles this trip is my escape for the summer. I have a lot more to say but I'll write it up after work.

Nicest Things

2008-07-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hurt and sting so much.
The nicest things make you want to shake things,
make you want to break things..
I just can't stand how well you took that,
you're face straight, no thought to your action.

This day has been horrible... Plans, dates and ex's
Have ruined my day... My plans for L.A. look to be changed,
my date with Kyle, it looks like it isn't happening.
James, is being too mature to be himself...
Blah, I could really use someone to talk to, aside from Shari.
I feel like a little bit of her heart just broke from being in the middle of the discussion me and stupid prince charming had..She said she had to get off the phone she was out of quarters but I think, really.. I don't think she's going to give me a call back again. Things got a bit rough today, well really, just a few minutes ago. It was really stupid of me to even do that, I knew what would happen, but no I'm so damn hard headed and I can't get it through my head that I shouldn't want anything to do with that Idiot. But I hate being on bad terms with people... Oh fuck this.

I just.. I feel really disappointed in myself, in friends and even those I feel like are more than friends. Gah... Nap time, that's just what I need. I'm going to watch Reflections of a Skyline on youtube again, then I'm going to listen to Kate Nash and fall asleep. GOODNIGHT!

Baby, will you be my corona and lime?

2008-07-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone :)
Today has been a pretty damn amazing day :D Haha, class ended today and my final was so damn EASY! No freaking joke. Ahh, yes but I had a good time today. After the test Justin and I went to the mall, and panera. Hah also to lucky's which was hilarious, but that's a different story. Mhmmmmm, then later at work it was chill and Kyle came oveerrr! :D It was way fun talking to him and everythinngg. Haha, I love talking with kyle it's like we get to exchange stories and it's cool learning about each other and whatnot. Hahaha, I love the exchanging of Quan stories best, it's so hilarious. Mhmmm. :) I've got a date with Kyle tomorrowwwww, movies yes? Well duh :D We're going to see Hancock I believe. I'm thrilled, I really like spending time with Kyle. But yeah, today was a pretty good day. OH! And I went to the chiropractor today.. OH dear God, I love how I feel. My back is back in alignment and my neck doesn't hurt anymore. Jeez, she said my back was a mess, it was really knotted up and yeah she said I was in bad shape for someone of my age.
ALSO! :) I am going to L.A. in like two weeks, I leave Thursday August 7th at around 7am :) I am sooooooo stoked! I'm making plans like CRAZY. Yep, life is getting so much better. I just want to forget everything going on and just breath and relax. I'm going to Party, Dance, and enjoy life <3

And if I was blessed..

2008-07-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, I know my blogs have been all short and screwy lately, but I just haven't had the time and sometimes the urge to write but I guess I do now..
Class today was pretty funny thanks to Justin and Lauren too. It's been a long day pretty dull.. Just had class and work, about all.
Um.. I am a bit mad with myself though for what happened last night.. I was falling asleep and suddenly felt very, very sad.. And I just cried, for a very long time and it felt good but.. I felt guilty, I was crying for something I shouldn't need to cry over anymore. Stupid Mr.Prince Charming, he keeps invading my mind and he keeps making me.. Miss him.
Trenton told me that it's because I put my heart and soul into him and he's just a part of me that I won't ever really let go.. But I really wish I could let him go just for now.. Because I know he's let me go and I know he can't stand me at all. Bahhh....
:( anywho. Later all.

Mr. Me Too

2008-07-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

:) OH HAI WORLD!

Ha ha, I've been in such a good mood this whole weekend.
It's like I've been able to let go and unwind and I totally dig it, it's sooo nice to not have to worry about anything. Mhmmm.
Friday went pretty smooth, I went over to Justin's house that was really fun. Yep we watched Hip-Hop harry and flight of the concordes? I dunno, but it was really chill.
And then saturday I went out with Jelly :) she came over and it was sooo much fun!
:D AND TODAY
I SAW THE BATMAN MOVIE IT WAS SO BADASS
:) mhmmmm. Major recommendation.

Y-O-U, Prince Charming.

2008-07-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

I can't stand You,
I can't look You in the eye.
Look at You with that stupid grin.
A smack across that fine cheek bone is
what you deserve.
Look at You with those stupid crystal blue eyes,
I just want to turn them purple.
Look at You and that idiotic hat,
I want to just knock it off and yell at you.
Yell You some obscenities,
Throw you some fists, throw you some hits.
My words don't seem to sting,
My dirty looks and my injured heart
don't mean a cent to your millions
of dollars and skuzzy women.
I can't stand you, Idiot, Idiot.
I wish you weren't so fresh on my mind,
I wish you weren't such a life sucker, like a leech.
I can't stand you, c'est le idiote stupide.
Je te detest, je te n'aime pas!
Mon Couer, mon couer!
Selfish, backstabbing,
Jerk, douche...
Stupid Prince Charming,
Stop running through my mind,
stop polluting my thoughts.
Idiotic Prince Charming,
You mean nothing to me.

Mr. Prince Charming,
I'm so through with listening to You.
I'm so sick of fairytales and I'm so fed up with
castles and fantasy.
It's all too ideal and honey, this is the deal.
You were too self absorbed, paranoia filled your mind,
trust was scarce in your conscience, love lacked in your words.
Prince Charming, Prince Charming.
Don't come my way, I don't need your saving.

Bashful, Timid.. Shy?

2008-07-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

^{Bashful, timid, shy.}Hello everyone,_{words that hardly describe me}

I've had an interesting day, very interesting indeed. I had a midterm, which was SO easy jeez. After wards, I had breakfast with Kyle, he took me out to the e-on cafe and we had a fruit bowl with some coffee. It was fun, we exchanged Quan stories, we laughed, we talked about our lives current and past. I really, really enjoyed it. It's been awhile since I sat down and talked to someone like that. It was.. exhilarating.
FYI, this is Kyle.

Anyways, after all this. I had to go to work, and well Justin came over again. It was really fun, like always... So much just, so much. I realized a lot about him today.

"I'm not very pretty, not the thinnest, and I'm oddly shaped."
"No... You're perfect."

Partyyyyy :)

2008-07-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone! :)
I know it's a fine Sunday evening, and you're probably thinking what the hell is it with this girl and why isn't she out exploring the world? That's a very good question, today is what I like to call a "lazy day," Basically nothing exciting happened today, I slept in and I've been watching tv all day and being online. It's the stupidest thing ever but whatever.
So basically, I had an amazing time yesterday at Barbara's birthday party. I chilled with my friends and with Justin :) It was soo much fun. We played arcade games, mini golf and had loads of laughs. In the arcade Justin won me a ring :) it's cute i'm keeping it forever and then some. Yep :) enclosed are photographs:

Lunch Date

2008-07-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today was just amazing. I simply, just loved how everything fell into place.
I woke up late, around 9am. I had enough time to get ready for work at 12pm.
I went to work and it was pretty smoooth, David wasn't in and it was just us girls.
And then :) Justin came over at around 2:00pm or so, he brought lunch. It was so cute,
because all he got was two sobe beverages and apple rings. Haha, and he says sorry about it being a lame lunch... I didn't care :) it was the best thing to me! We watched stupid shows on a tiny black and white tv, with the worst static problems. But we didn't care. He held me so close and I just melted with his kisses. BAHHH!And it felt sooo good when he hugged me close, I could feel his heart beating out of his chest. Oh dear god... I forgot how good it felt to have someone who cares about you hold you so close. Seriously, I'm so glad I've dropped Mr.Prince Charming and I've got a chance with Fernando kid or whatevers.

I can't wait for tomorrow. :D It's Barbara's birthday party and kinda my and Justin's date too. It should be fun, expect many pictures :) Mhmmmm.

It's too cute to hold in,

2008-07-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

He's like a basket of little kittens. :)
Haha, I love how cute he is when we're together.
I love how he makes me smile and the way he holds me close.
Jeeeeeeeeez.
:) Haha, I'm so happy it's not even funny.

I met someone today a small, quirky artist,
she handed me a canvas with the most amazing painting.
She told me I earned it, and that I deserved it, that it was meant to be mine.
Her name is Shari and she was an interesting little person,
but I liked her none the less. She told me, not tell the person
I couldn't stand most that I had it because she said, it would vanquish them.
I took her out for ice cream, it's the least I can do. Strangers are the sweetest, hah.

AND :) I had an amazing day with Justin after class,
we held hands and he gave me kisses :x bahh, i like him so much.
Also, best frann Katy got a haircut, it's cute :) like a pixie it's got spunk.
Mhmmmm, so I think I'm going to perhaps update this again later, or not.
Oh! :) Make plans with me before summer ends, I promise you wont regret it!

AHHH! I ALMOST FORGOT! :)
These are the pictures of when Sally, Justin and I went to SF. Enjoy!

haha, I hate my bangs here.

Our lunch!

Reflections of a Skyline

2008-07-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

"On going, never ending, Love.....I have for you"

I'll be the adult and I'll let you go.
Do whatever you want, be whatever you want.
I've cut myself loose because you can't choose.
I've spit out apologies neither one of you deserved,
but I'm too nice and too polite, I swallow my words.
But you know, I've realized I don't need you.
I don't need your love, I don't need your touch.
Hah, I don't have to worry about the words I say,
because I won't upset you or anyone else anymore.
I've got a crush.. a very large humongous one,
I've met a boy who makes me laugh when I'm sad an won't stop
until I'm smiling. He always holds me close when I'm feeling down,
he always has something to say and it always ends up making me laugh.
No matter how you put it, he's like a ray of sunshine. Not to mention,
I think he's adorable and so sweet. Haha, he fights me about buying my scantron
for my midterm, he buys me apples and he's jealous of the jonas brothers.
He watches hip hop harry, and loves gunther. He calls me and when I don't pick up
he sings me songs on my voicemail. He's there for me when I need someone,
he ditches class with me to hear me pour my heart out about something on my mind,
most likely you and the fight we were having.
But no more, I'm taking him up on that offer and I'm playing that game, "air supply".
"Make love... Out of nothing at all."
He wants to try and he isn't giving up. I'm going on a date, I'm progressing forward.

AHEM!
A letter from the desk of Katy (_{best frannn}) to Mia:
alright, listen up you little snaggle-toothed snatch. there is no way in hell you are going to go off on my best friend considering the fact YOU'RE the skuzzy slut who slept with her boyfriend. seriously, do you have any respect for yourself? you willingly had sex with a boy who you knew full well had a girlfriend already. if you would actually use that mass of gray sludge that is located within your buoyant skull you might be able to deduct that what you're doing is completely ridiculous (and maybe learn some grammar at that). you're going to go and threaten her? haha she's the one who should be threatening you, you selfish dripping whore. and you're going to find out what school she goes to and "hand out each and everyone there what type of girl you are"? first of all, i didn't understand any part of that sentence whatsoever. it's called english, and i'm pretty sure it's a required course in every single high school in america. second of all, the "type of girl you are"? please, enlighten me. what type of girl is she? the kind who doesn't like it when ugly bitches who can't even put pictures of their own faces on myspace sleep with their boyfriends? because last time i checked, that wasn't a crime OR a credible reason to find out where someone lives and "tell their mommy and daddy" on them. i bet she's just shaking in her boots. OH NO PLEASE! DON'T TELL HER MOMMY! WHAT WILL SHE FUCKING DO?? re: "I WILL go 2 your house and speak with your mother and father and tell them how there daughter is asking a man with a girlfriend 2 date her." last time i checked sweetheart, you're the one slept with a boy who had a girlfriend. by the way it's "their" when you're speaking possessively, like you were in that case. "there" refers to a place, destination, or direction. so how about you back the fuck off of carol and go be a complete imbecile somewhere else. because honestly, even if anyone could understand your messages, they wouldn't care. so next time you even think about threatening, heck, even talking to my best friend, i swear i will take a plane out to california, buy a rusted axe, and shove it down your herpes infested throat. and trust me, it will be harder and sharper than any of the numerous cocks that have traveled down your esophagus. oh and have fun "being in love". he cheated on her, he will just as easily cheat on you bitch.

My best frann, PWNS your best friend.
That Fernando kid or whatevers,
yeah we're going on a date.
SUCK IT :) I can't stop smiling.

Sit in this house, alone with fresh air...

2008-07-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

I've never in my life wanted to hold you so much closer. I've never thought I would eat my own words but baby... I miss you.
I'm scared to let you go, but my hearts telling me.. you don't want me anymore, you don't want a thing to do with you, you never want to see me again. It splits my heart, it breaks me down.. and yet I can't take you out of my...
I still have Happy 18th birthday gift I made for you.. Still have your necklace.. and of course our memories...

Tell me that you need me, that you want me.. Or just tell me to stop...
I need to know so that I can stop.. stop missing you.

I'm hoping I sleep well tonight it's all I ask.

People in glass houses

2008-07-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

:( I feel like one of those.. I know, I know.
I shouldn't want a thing to do with him, thats what everyone tells me..
OH but I miss him so much... :( I can't help it..
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him!
:( and I very badly need a shoulder to cry on... I very badly need someone to hold me...
I just... I really want to be with him..
I feel it in my bones that.. he lied to me about lying. From the moment he told me.. I knew it couldn't be true it just.. it didn't sit right with me..
He probably thinks I deserve what I have right now...
I don't know, I don't know! :( We haven't spoken in so long....
I hurt so bad... how am I going to deal with LA next month, huh?
Every little thing will just break me down.... :(
I really... I need him so bad...

I've got this familiar feeling..

2008-07-06T11:40:00.001-07:00

It's creeping under my skin,
it's devouring who I became and its
turning me into what I was and what I want.
I've got dreams shot down,
I've got broken promises and a broken heart,
I have received new friends, old friends
and have been tossed aside.

I think it is a sign of God,
I need to change again.
I need to receive something new,
I'm going to escape and it'll be with
someone completely different.

"Your faith was an illusion
and you're as loyal as your faith
will let you be."

I'm going to get through this, just to let you know:
I'm doing better everyday, I can live my dreams and now, I can do what I've been planning to do all summer.

I've come to learn

2008-07-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

I've come to learn that I really can't trust anyone, anymore. Not my with heart and my feelings, people like this aren't worth my time. There is no excuse to why he did it, he let it happen, he let everything fall away, everything crumble, he let everything we had run into the ground. Honestly, I've never felt this much pain in my entire life, because I had never loved someone as much as I did him. I put so much effort, hope, faith, love, dreams, promises, wishes, passion, courage, so much of my self into a relationship.
He was too much to even explain.. Even now when I'm supposed to hate him most, when I'm supposed to what nothing to do with him.. It's so hard to let go, to forget someone you loved deeply. I hate to say it but I'm in a situation where I want to tell him I want him back.. But he doesn't want back and I really know I shouldn't ask for it or even want it. But that's how I feel. I still want to feel him hold me close, I still want him to give me kisses... I just, I'm so confused with my heart and my mind. My heart keeps telling me that I love him, that I need him.. My mind is saying he betrayed you and he didn't seem to care.
In my mind I want to change, I want to beat everything he said. I want to be beyond what perfection ever was to him. I want to succeed and I want to exceed expectations. I want to make him realize what he lost, what he gave up on.. 9 months of I love you's, of I miss you's, of I can't wait to live with you's, I'm so sick of you right now. I really want you out of my thoughts, my dreams, my prayers, my wishes. But every time I think about him, all I see is his smile and those eyes. All I hear is that laugh and his words. All I feel is him holding me close, everything just becomes hard to let go.
All I need is time, all I need is my friends, all I need is what I have now. Without him included.

The number you have called..

2008-07-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Is either disconnected or the number has changed......

thanks for at least telling me.. thanks for being considerate...
I think.. I want to cry pretty bad..

UPDATE
everything is okay I guess.. I'm just a worry-wort.. Jeez, I worry too much.. I left class early today because I couldn't take it. I told sherly when the professor gave us our break, I didn't want to stay that I couldn't focus. He said he couldn't either, so we left. We went to jack in the box, we sat and talked and it almost made me feel a little better, he sure made me smile a little bit too.. I just wish everything was okay, I know I say that a lot, but it's what I really really want right now. So far i've give 3/10 morning and night prayers to God and I'm hoping his listening, I think he is.. He's giving me strenght to not want to break down every few minutes, I've managed only to cry twice today.. But I've got this jittery feeling that makes me shake from the inside out, and i'm lacking an appatite. Well i've got work right now at 12 o' clock. So I'm off.. I'll probably update this again just to end it well enough with how my day goes..

SECOND UPDATE
Basically, my day has been okay.. but I just really want to talk to him. Michael read something to me that kinda bothered him, and it really really upset me... I know he wouldn't, she's just saying shit to make me jealous. Well it's not working! I'm not jealous! I'm more upset that he wont talk to me, that's he's pretty much avoiding me. And it's really making me want to leave so much sooner.. That's if he still cares about me.. I've been getting the coldshoulder from him a lot and I can't stand it.. :( It's really starting to get to me... Katy read to me what his page said and how he edited it... He claims to be "single"... I don't know.. I'm confused, so fucking confused. Excuse my language, but I don't know where we stand and honestly.. I don't what he's thinking. He keeps telling me "I just need to think..." and "let me get back to you.." I will wait as long as it takes, but I really hate it.. :( Oh world, what can I do?

Final Update
Things are progressing.. I'm not sure if good or bad. I'm praying and hoping that it's not bad, that it'll go okay. But I think, we'll be okay.. Brave me here I go.

All she wants to hear is I love you..

2008-06-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day, I can't say any less..
I've broken down today for too many reason and I honestly feel sick right now..
I don't want to go into many details, but I'm in a way happy a friend showed up
and gave me a hug I eagerly needed.. I just wish everything was going to be okay,
just like they said it would.. I really just wish I could go to him already, look him in the
eyes and tell him straight on "I love you, please dont go." And hug him like there is no tomorrow.. :( If only it weren't just barely July. MAKE IT AUGUST, AUGUST, AUGUST!

Fresh

2008-06-29T21:12:00.001-07:00

Every inch is fresh on my mind
like yesterday, like Saturday.
You’re fresh on my mind
It’s like finding your passion,
It’s like love at first sight.
I can close my eyes and
you’re fresh on my mind.
Blue and deep,
crystal clear and sun yellow struck,
eyes that followed my every movement.
A smile so large, so bright, so full of happiness
and life, every inch of you so fresh on my mind.
I can’t wake up in the morning,
without you on my mind.
I can’t forget the shivers that crawled
across my skin, when you ran your fingertips
in circles on my back.
It was like sprouting wings so large, white
and majestic.
Strong and uplifting, I just wanted to take you away.
Hold on to you so tight,
carry you away to paradise.
Because you’re fresh on my mind,
every freckle on your face, arms and legs
made it look like constellations that I wanted
to discover.
That I wanted to trace, with the digits
of my finger.
I wanted to close my eyes and dream of flying across
galaxies to see you work your magic, in mathematical theories.
Because no matter how hot the day,
no matter the time, place or area.
You’re fresh on my mind,
you’re fresh on my mind,
you’re… everything on my mind.

First Love

2008-06-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to tell anyone, I don't know what to do... As of yesterday I've been a mess and I've been suffering. It's horrible how I feel, I've never felt like this. I feel so unstable and I keep shaking and I really want to just make everything okay.. I've never wanted a firmer hug, a tighter grip on my shoulder. I feel like I'm really stuck in this state, I'm extremely shaken up, shot down and thrown all around.
My mother caught me crying my life out last night and this morning she hid my phone.. I've been crying because I'm scared and I don't know how everything around me is falling apart. If you read this, and you know who you are, don't think I'm upset because you make me upset. I'm upset because I'm terrified to lose you. I don't know what to do, there isn't anyone I can talk to but you. And I can't even do that.. I hope you've thought everything out.. I really hope you don't do what everyone is telling you to do.. I've become so scared that I've turned to God. I've offered 10 prayer, morning and night. I'm hoping you don't choose to tear everything apart.

Please don't give everything up, don't give this up.

Don't give up.. I thought we could be okay, happy and in love August 2008.. I thought we were perfect together.

The Last Thing On Your Mind

2008-06-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

"love is like infinity: you can't have more or less infinity, and you can't compare two things to see if they're "equally infinite" infinity just is, and that's the way i think love is, too"

That very quote is what set my mind to this blog. I read it from my friend Ivan's bulletin and it made me kinda smile. Because I could see how profound this was and that it was just so beautiful in the way that it compared love in a metaphorical way to infinity. I read it to James because I honestly thought it was so, so cute. But it failed -_- he's so logical about everything, math ruins everything. Don't ever let your kids know everything in life, math is just no fun. But anyways! I thought you would all enjoy this blog a little bit. Also I would like to add how my plans for today and tomorrow have gotten really messed up. Today I was supposed to get my hair cut AFTER work but nooo, my mom called the lady too late and she had another appointment made at that time. So I have to wait until tomorrow at 3pm. AND! That also lead up to ruining my plans for going to San Francisco tomorrow, because I asked my mother a week ago if I could go and she said yes, and today she goes "I don't remember you asking me and blah blah blah" :/ so I'm not going. Very dissapointing. And now I'm totally just waiting for James to be able to txt me back because his parents swear that I talk to him too much, which I don't. And they're like "we need to talk to you, we haven't talked to you all day," whateverrr. So yeahh.. I'm probably going to stop typing. K. Bye :D

P.S.
Check out my links, add my personal myspace, deviant art and check out the artist who made the amazing image I use for my banner.

I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you..

2008-06-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

Ever had a day where you get caught up in every else, except what you've been waiting for?
Well you're looking at the idiot who forgot the unofficial two month anniversary.
:( I basically, just failed. I've been waiting for this day for, well, days.
I know from my last post, it seemed like we might have been through..
But everything has been okay. What's worst of all.. is that I got jealous and upset for the stupidest reason... I feel like an idiot. Why do I always do that?
It's almost like I don't deserve him half the time, like he deserves someone better, who's sweeter and more thoughtful than I am.
I've got a killer head ache and my heart feels pretty heavy.. He's at work right now and I wish he wasn't.. This is something I so wish I could talk about with him.
BLEH!

anyways...
other than that, today was pretty slow. I took my break alone (had some water), because he was at the movies and the mall with his friend mary-anne. And I missed him loads. Work was really slow, I ran around for a few minutes and then I was pretty bored.. I left early like 5 minutes early, again. Chuck called me, we talked for like a minute or two then I said I was getting picked up and we hung up. I came home had my dinner.. then I went on myspace and blah blah blah. I don't feel very good right now, maybe I ate too much? I'm not sure. But I'm kinda tired as well, I'm grateful tomorrow I have no morning class, just work at 12. Saturday I'm going to San Francisco with Jenny and Sherly, I can't wait really. Expect loads of photographs. Well that's it for now, I might post another blog later tonight or not, I'm undecided.

UPDATE!
NEWSFLASH! :)
My boyfriend has made me the happiest girl on earth, beyond what words can say..
End of broadcast :D

Mon Cœur

2008-06-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling,
the want that hits you with a 'pang'
right in the chest?
You know the way your body gets tense,
and your breathing is harder to do?
You know what I'm talking about..
That heavy heart feeling.
That's how I feel, this very moment.
I've spoken with so many of my friends..
I've gotten my opinions and I respect them.. but I don't know what to do.
My head hurts, my heart hurts, my eyes hurt.

Don't I give up enough already? Don't I go out of my way enough for you?
Why do I still lack so many things? I swear.. It's like things aren't like how it was
in the beginning.. If I was so un-perfect, why did you make me feel so lead on? Why didn't you just tell me after I saw you, or before I gave you the ring? If I mean so much.. Why can't I be perfect on the outside too?

Does this body really bring so much shame? Is it really not that attractive? Will you refuse to look me in the eye after this? Will you refuse to touch me in any manner sexual or not? Do you really want me to be that thin? Do you really want me to change that bad?

You've got me not wanting to look at myself in the mirror, you've got me thinking about things that will make me thin. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I be born thinner?

A close friend told me not to let it get to me, to talk to you.. That it would be stupid if you dumped me because I'm not thin enough... But I see it reason enough. I might have narrow hips, a funny nose, and fat that protrudes from the sides of my shirts... But I thought you of all people would say "Babe, you're gorgeous. I want to feel every curve of your body.." Hah, if I recall that is what you said at one point.. and now I don't think you do. I love you so much, but I'm not doing so great.. I don't see why you're upset, you've got the better part of the bargain.... Just goodnight.

Why, Hello World

2008-06-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Hello one and all :)
I bet you've read my about me and whatnot, so shall I skip the shenanigans and get to the point? You think right! Ahaha.I really hope that this blog, like many others in the past, don't falter and fade away in the dust of forgotten pile of blogs. Well, we shall see. I think it will be good and healthy for me to post things and write the way I feel rather than bottling it up inside my tiny little being.

Well today is indeed, June 22nd 2008 and believe it or not I just returned home from Camping! And let me tell you, it was an amazing trip. We go to Calaveras, Big Trees National State Park. Hah, silly name for a state park right? I thought so too. But it's really an amazing place and I truly enjoy going every year, we tend to make the trip twice a year but I'm not sure about this year. Well I had a grand time, I jogged a bit, walked the trails and did some exploring. Not to mention I made some new friends, whom I am glad to have met. I really enjoyed this years trip, I feel like I enjoyed it to the fullest and I was not afraid to explore a lot more in my surroundings.

I had loads of fun at the beaver creek and I enjoyed the sight from the top of the mountain. I dipped my little piggies into the ice cold water, but it was a slight relief from the strong sun. If you went there you would understand the sights and the sounds, not to mention the lovely fresh air there is. I love this camping ground so much, it always makes me want to go back every year for more and more. It felt nice when I took a nap in my tent and it was breezing. It's amazing the fun you can have when you take the time to explore what really is around you, and the history for this place is incredible.

Even though I did not hear from my boyfriend for that weekend and I gravely missed him. I couldn't wait to be able to send him a little text message and say, "BABE! :D" I knew it would make him smile. I have loads more pictures from my trip and I think I'll just add them to the end of this blog... which I seemed to have dragged out a great deal, ahaha. Jeez, I hope I don't bore you all to sleep. Well please tell me what you think.