I've come to learn

I've come to learn that I really can't trust anyone, anymore. Not my with heart and my feelings, people like this aren't worth my time. There is no excuse to why he did it, he let it happen, he let everything fall away, everything crumble, he let everything we had run into the ground. Honestly, I've never felt this much pain in my entire life, because I had never loved someone as much as I did him. I put so much effort, hope, faith, love, dreams, promises, wishes, passion, courage, so much of my self into a relationship.
He was too much to even explain.. Even now when I'm supposed to hate him most, when I'm supposed to what nothing to do with him.. It's so hard to let go, to forget someone you loved deeply. I hate to say it but I'm in a situation where I want to tell him I want him back.. But he doesn't want back and I really know I shouldn't ask for it or even want it. But that's how I feel. I still want to feel him hold me close, I still want him to give me kisses... I just, I'm so confused with my heart and my mind. My heart keeps telling me that I love him, that I need him.. My mind is saying he betrayed you and he didn't seem to care.
In my mind I want to change, I want to beat everything he said. I want to be beyond what perfection ever was to him. I want to succeed and I want to exceed expectations. I want to make him realize what he lost, what he gave up on.. 9 months of I love you's, of I miss you's, of I can't wait to live with you's, I'm so sick of you right now. I really want you out of my thoughts, my dreams, my prayers, my wishes. But every time I think about him, all I see is his smile and those eyes. All I hear is that laugh and his words. All I feel is him holding me close, everything just becomes hard to let go.
All I need is time, all I need is my friends, all I need is what I have now. Without him included.